I have more than a few things that I have started, embarked on to them with feeling and all of a sudden, left behind.
Like old stories that were never finishes, some of these I’ve had to abandon. Others have been put on the back of my mind. Then one day, I’m cleaning out stuff from there and thus, I find them and realize it’s time to deal with unfinished business.
Some stuff, like writing, needs a lot longer to get started. Other stuff just needs a light shined on it. Case and point, my bitter feelings for the country I left behind… which are mostly irrelevant since the country I left behind is not the one that exists in its place. There’s still shades of it that seem familiar.
There was an analysis my sister once told me about regarding Gabriel Garcia Marquez and his books. Or perhaps it was somebody else, and I put my sister in that picture since I often think of her as a Know-It-All, about how his characters romanticize the past and come back to find a different country that the one they left.
I do something worse: I vilify the country left behind. It’s a bit of a knee-jerk reaction that I do when someone tells me that I must love my native country. I still feel like a foreigner, but I do manage to love my current homeland a lot more… while the motherland seems as alien to me as planet Krypton. Those are feelings that I slowly must dissolve and come to peaceful terms with. It’s not a reconciliation that must happen but that I want to happen since my birthplace did form a good part of my character, as alienated as I feel with it.
I hope I can keep my emotions in check without betraying my ideals though. It’s not about being silent and just pretending to be ok with it. It’s about talking without hostility about what I believe as a citizen of my old country. That goes double as a family member as well. There’s a few things that I wish were a little more out on the open. I don’t know if there’s as much I expect my family to accept as they wish of me, but I also don’t want to commit the oversight of not voicing it.
Those are the Staves that I must clear from my past.
The other stuff is trivial to the world, but still important and savory to me. Writing. I have to get back into writing and finish at least one story idea – even if it’s not the one I want to finish. I can’t make a long story out of a short one, but can I make one story out of a couple of scenes that I think “would be cool” to witness? Restarting old stories is like pizza that has been in the fridge. It’s cold, but it’s still good. I got a lot of motivation from attending a few panels at the Con*Cept science fiction convention a week ago.
That will do for now.