I was sick Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and today I felt barely strong enough to go to work but I’m still weak.
Anyway, didn’t make any headway in getting the Noctonite ready for public consumption. I will let you know when it’s ready. For the moment at least I got up to chapter three of the new story, Shine A Light On Me. Working title, not sure about it yet. In typical me fashion, I wanted to use a title that has been used several hundred times already by better writers than me. This may be the first of many stories that actually has a song driving it that barely has anything to do with the plot. Yes, I’m stuck right after the presentation. Not a new thing for me.
On the other hand, I’ve been doing good on the reading front. And also really bad.
I had picked up two recommended books that I barely started before becoming engrossed with yet a third, The Dragonbone Chair, which I’m still ready and past the middle. I have made no progress except for starting the few pages into the big Pillars Of The Earth. Oh well.
Last dinner with the CEE. It was a bit anti-climatic. We are going to see each other again. But there was a bit of sadness, as the end of an era. Reminded me a bit of the Pub Club changing hands. I wonder what would’ve happened back then. The road not traveled. But it’s better this way. I always enjoy my time with E and the rest of the alphabet soup that I use for my friends here.
I still have this freakin’ dilemma hanging over my head as the holidays come close. I have not bought a ticket, which means soon enough the prices will skyrocket and there will be none available. I want to go and I don’t want to go. I love seeing my dad and sis, but I hate being there and how my sis acts during those dates. It’s one of those “I’m going to be miserable and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it but I want you to know it” deals that I can’t stand. Then she puts on the fake smile for everyone else. Dad tries to guilt me into talking to relatives that always act like if I just moved to Canada and then explain how they would never move there because it’s cold and they would miss the homeland.
I don’t miss the homeland. I don’t think I left a single friend over there worth contacting. I don’t seen anybody when I go over there that is not a relative. In my mind the best thing my old country gave me is the drive and the motivation to leave it. I just get filled with frustration every time. I can’t make up my mind so I want it to be too late to go there and just once, not spend vacation time being miserable. Yes, I do enjoy some moments. But a lot are bittersweet. Most of the time I spend waiting for some alone time to connect to the crappy internet and reach someone else.
My sister once told me that when I still thought of her and my Dad and me going on family vacation that I was living a fantasy. I don’t think she remembers saying those words to me anymore, or has buried them someplace. After all, it was only a year or two after my Mother’s passing. But I can’t forget those words like a slap in the face. I have never classified my sister as a fun person. This last summer, just for a second I dare believe myself she could be, she seemed genuinely happy to be here and meet my friends. And if she was not and she was masking some sort of interior angst, I don’t want to know and I’d rather she lie to me and never tell me.
Then this might be just me talking, but I’d forgive it all in a second… although I’m pretty sure the guilt actually lies in nobody.
L needed to get a job a year ago. Now he should take any job, right now, no delays. He has lost a year in doing much of nothing, traveling and taking breaks. As much pressure as I can put on him, I could totally see myself doing the same thing.
Back in the homeland, before hearing the final say in the Canadian migration front, I started re-learning Linux and thinking about quitting my job of six years doing programming in a dead end company that was going downhill. Then one afternoon, I forced desitny’s hand and crashed the car on my way to work. It was not an accident. I purposely wanted to break the freaking dead end cycle and crashed that car. This happened a lot of years back, but I just told my Dad the truth last year.
After that, I took a Linux course, I talked with my Dad and told him I was quitting the job. I gave my boss my leave notice a month before the fact (he ignored me but I had him put his signature on a copy nevertheless). Then things started happening… I finished the Linux course, left my job (my boss then confessed he didn’t think I was being serious) and got a call. The Canadian visa had been granted. I would become a Canadian resident the next time I’d set foot in Canadian soil.
But if you know me, you probably have heard most of that. I still believe I forced destiny’s hand… and probably my Mom had to do something with all that too. Yes, I do believe she watches over me. I’ve always been incredibly lucky in my life, but some coincidences have been extreme.
Anyway, to make a long story short…
(Everyone at once: TOO LATE)
I got my job by a string of coincidences of good luck too. I was out of a job for six months until I got my first Canadian job. Which I still have. It is a great job in the sense that I can pay my life expenses and a bit of a luxury now and then and still have money to put away from savings once in a while. But if I didn’t have this job, I’d probably would be in the same situation than L. I’ll see him and the gang this weekend and I know we’re in for a revelation that I’ve already been filled in about by him earlier. He needs any job at this point. He could be selective earlier but now it’s going to suck because he’s just going to have to take what he can get. I’m going to hate myself for telling that because I would hate when people told me that back home and it hurts he has to do it here.
And I now I’m that thing when you turn around everything that’s happening to someone else and make it about myself instead. Instead, I want to relay to him the urgency of getting into an stable situation pronto, and I hope I can convey that.
Meanwhile, I’m getting a little better and hope to be writing soon again.
Tomorrow/today I will meet my new teacher (if I have one) at L’Academie de Guitar. We’ll see. I’ve actually had some happy moments this week so I leave you with Ben Lee:
Happy song. Weird title. Hope you have a happy weekend 🙂
Best advice that I have ever received from a friend: Life is short. Be happy now.